December 05th, 2018
For all my sisters out there who doubt if it's okay to fully (and I mean FULLY) step into your own gifts, your dreams, your desires... If you wonder whether you're "doing it right" or if it's really "meant to be..." I want to share a little story. Curl up, and take a cozy seat in the love chair (or hit "save" in the top right for later)
I started teaching children in elementary school because at that time I believed it was a gift I had and I wanted to help. In some way, I wanted to be part of the healing and nurturing of those early years. It was a calling that went deep.
Flashback to University. I majored in Aboriginal Studies. I learned so many beautiful teachings, and some really hard ones that hurt my heart in ways I don't have words for. The reality of our muddy history ran deep in my bones. So deep, I feel like it's why I got really sick during my studies (Rheumatoid Arthritis was the name of that game). I felt like I had to carry the weight of that pain as though it might help. (Turns out it doesn't work that way).
I took on the pain of that story, the European attempted genocide, and made sure I would not step foot in that story come hell or hight water. I stood firm that the best way to move forward was to just mind my own business and stay out of it. I wasn't "equipped" to help or to be part of the healing--hell, my own bloodline was part of the problem. My own limiting belief was that I wasn't 'made for the job' to be part of the reconciliation process. "White people just keep f*cking it up, so I'm not going to be part of that".
This is a worthiness wound.
In so many ways I love hard on that old me, that girl who just wanted to do what she thought was 'the right thing' and just bow out.
Until it came time to get a teaching job. I just wanted to teach children love, compassion, justice, and how to be a good person in this world. Everyone told me to work up north, go to a community and teach.
F*ck that was my mindset. (I'm really stubborn, if you know me at all...lol) I was boldly a hell-no.
Until it hit me. Until I sat alone and connected with those feelings honestly.
I started to realise a hard truth.
If I didn't step up, anyone would. Anyone else would take that role on and I knew deep in my heart I felt so connected to that work. It was only my mindset of resistance, the belief I wasn't worthy of it. I had embodied the European sh*tstorm of a story so deep, the 'white guilt' became the leading role. How sad. How sad, because my deep HUMAN desire for teaching compassion, love and justice was being tossed away.
So I applied. And I got the job. And I taught love as best I could. I wasn't perfect. I lost my patience, I was challenged on many levels, not all the parents liked me, and I didn't build deep bonds with every single child. But I loved them all. Deeply. Every single one.
If you hold yourself back because you believe you're not deserving, or your own heart isn't big enough or good enough, that you're not 'right for the job'...the truth is, you leave a wide open gap for someone else to step into the role. And you've been designed for it--what's lights your heart up, what connects you to the deepest parts of your authentic truth--babes, that's your sacred RESPONSIBILITY. It's what you came here to do.
Eventually, working within a system felt far too restrictive. I started to embrace self-love and self-worth on a completely "next level" space. I knew I would always be struggling paycheck to paycheck and I had spent years working hard and always being the friend who couldn't "afford it".
And so that story started to change too...And #Truth... if I don't claim that space of abundance now, it's a gaping hole that I will feel every day. Abundance isn't just about money for me. It's about freedom of choice and the ability to spend freely and openly wherever I choose. I can give more, share more and rise within on a whole new level.
Don't give your spot up to someone else.
Take it. Your heart knows this so deeply. So trust that truth and that knowingness. You've been perfectly designed for your desires and dreams.
Leanna Jane Lewis